Hedwig Bitching
by Mariadoria
Summary: Harry Potter has an extremely judgemental and opinionated owl, with a foul beak to boot.
1. Chapter 1

The small boy stared at her with undisguised wonder. She stared back. Unfazed, of course. He said something to the large walking bush that was holding her cage. She huffed, ruffling her wings. _The Bush really needed to get a new coat. _Though the young boy's eyes were alright, if a little obscured. Yes, she would be fine with him. She glared at the walking bush. _He really, really, needed a new coat. It fucking stunk. It was offending her._

* * *

The whale and the walrus, as well as the giraffe, didn't like her. She couldn't imagine why. They were of the same kind, after all, animals. The small black-haired boy was reading a book that looked dreadfully dull. It was written by someone with a ridiculous name. She screeched as he suggested yet another name. _Are you stupid! I don't want to be call __Pharlapiscus. Quit yapping and pick a decent name._ She thought of the walking bush and shuddered. That coat...

* * *

The other owls were stupid. All moaning about the stink of the tower, and how far they had to fly. Hedwig ruffled her feathers. _That snowy owl on the other side of the tower was eyeing her up. Bitch, like he had a fucking chance. _Her Boy was nice enough, though he complained a lot. _A lot like the other owls, now that I think about it_

* * *

_Why does this fucking tower not have any heating? _Hedwig was shivering, giving the other owls side eyes if they dared step within a foot of her. _I should go and spend the night with Boy. Or make the other bitchy owls try and chase me through the snow. They wouldn't find me. Fucking bitches_ She took off through the window. The snow was even colder than she anticipated. _Why. Why now. Why does it have to be winter. I fucking hate the snow. _She made it to the tower and flew in, crashing into a water pitcher.

Her Boy jumped up and rushed over. _I don't need your help, I need you to condemn this hellish thing that jumped in front of me. _He smiled. "

You'll be alright, girl."

_Bitch, please._

* * *

**A/N: There. New miniseries. Got the idea and had to do it. Bye now.**


	2. Chapter 2

Hedwig huffed. Usually it wasn't a big deal that she was asked to carry a package. In fact, it was something that she loved doing. But to see her Boy be delivered something by a horde of other owls, none of them nearly as magnificent as her, was insulting. _I could carry a fucking broomstick on my fucking own. It isn't even that big. They think they can carry a package for my Boy? They're fucking wrong. I can't believe their nerve._

She ruffled her feathers and hooted loudly at them, issuing a challenge. The other owls turned around in a bustle of feathers. _Now to show them._

Hedwig surged forward and attacked the other owls with a vengeance. _That will teach them. _

Not one owl came near her for the next two months.

Good.

* * *

Hedwig held her head up high, despite the frigid wing tearing around under her feathers. _I'm not going to let the fucking wind beat me. I'm better than the snow. _To show the snow how superior she was, Hedwig screeched loudly and flapped her wings at it. It didn't relent. Her Boy made soft, crooning noises at her that didn't absolutely nothing to calm her down. Still, he raised his arm and expected her to fly off.

_I may be haughty, but I have common sense. I'm not going anywhere in this fucking blizzard. Do you want me to freeze?_

"It's alright girl. I need you to deliver this letter, okay?" He tied the letter to her leg, gently and carefully. "It won't be a long flight. I'm relying on you, okay?"

_Only you could make me fly out in this shitstorm._

So, gathering all her dignity, Hedwig launched herself into the air. _If I don't get extra chicken for this, I'm going to start a fucking protest._

* * *

Hedwig watched from the window of the hospital wing as her Boy talked with the headmaster of Hogwarts. He'd just returned from his idiotic foray through the traps into the lower levels of the castle. _Complete fucking idiocy, that's what I say. _

Still, despite how silly and hot headed her Boy was, she still liked him.

_Only you,_

Another owl tried to join her on the windowsill, hooting suggestively at her. She screeched at him and he lost his balance, falling out into the sky. _Serves you right, diverting my attention away from my boy. Fucking idiot._

_But not as idiotic as my Boy. I wonder what the future is going to bring. More fucking idiotic stunts? Probably._

But, after a year of living with her hotheaded boy, she could deal with whatever came her way.

_Danger fucking beware._

* * *

_**A/N: This is outrageously fun to write. Hedwig is amazing. **_

_**Sincerely,  
Mariadoria**_


	3. Chapter 3

_Those fuckers don't know who they're dealing with. _Hedwig fluffed her wings angrily, cringing as the many knots and cricks made themselves known. For the last month, The Dursley's kept her contained within her gilded cage. Sure, it was a nice cage. It was gold. _After a shitty month in this fucking cage, they would grow to hate it too. What I wouldn't give to stretch my wings and eat more than that fucking shitfest they call soup._

Her boy was currently relieving himself. It was the only time he was let out during the day. If there was anything Hedwig hated more than her confinement, it was her Boy's.

And perhaps the Whale at the door.

_Fucking hell, what was that dick doing here? Here to shower her with those shitty words of his?_ She turned her head away, giving a low warning hoot. The Whale, somehow the cousin of her Boy, waddled towards her, jowls aquiver with every step he took. _Fucker already ate enough food, couldn't some of it be shared?_

"Having fun in there?"

_Idiot. _She didn't even deign to reply. He shook the bars of her cage, jostling her around. Time to give him a piece of her mind.

To him, it was an enraged screech. To Hedwig, it was: "_Fucking piece of shit leave me the fuck alone, I didn't ask for this, go die in a hole and stay the fuck down there." _

"Oh, getting riled up are we?" He stuck his hand through the bars.

The Whale's answer was a deep gouge on his hand courtesy of her beak.

_Serves him right._

* * *

Hedwig coasted on the wind, revelling in the glorious feeling of her wings finally being free. This was the highest, the longest, she'd flown in a long time. _I'm gonna have to follow my Boy in a minute. _She was flying in the opposite direction at the current moment, back to her previous prison. _Time to show those bitches how this bitch delivers gifts._

Later that evening, the Dursley's screamed as a ghost-like owl swoope through their window, screeching and clawing at their faces.

The next day at the Dursley's Hedwig contentedly perched on top of the burrow. _That should teach them to deal with me. _

_A job well done._

* * *

_When would this man get the message that she wasn't fucking interested? _She soared to the other side of the owlery, turning her back on the insistent gnat of a barn owl who spent all of his spare time trying to woo her. _He's so sad and pathetic. How does he not understand?_

Just as she settled down, tucking her head under her wing, there was a swooshing noise behind her, a slight weight on the beam. _For fucks sake…_

Perhaps the way to get rid of him would be to hit him off a beam. _He had wings. He could fly._

So, before be could react, she slammed her wing out into him. He teetered, eyes widening, before falling downwards with an almighty screech. She watched in mild interest, before going back to sleep.

_Tonight, she would sleep well._

* * *

_A/N: Finally updated. Should be doing it more often now._

_Sincerely,  
Mariadoria_


End file.
